Small town girl shakes her bod at a Manhattan bar while chasing show biz dreams in cliché-driven 'Ugly'
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The latest paint-by-numbers cinematic mind-number from uber-slick schlock producer Jerry Bruckheimer ("Gone in 60 Seconds," "Armageddon," "Con Air," etc.), "Coyote Ugly" is can be summed up in three words: "Flashdance" meets "Cocktail."
Piper Perabo ("The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle") -- a wide-eyed, bee-stung beauty from central casting -- is the movie's generic ingenue, a girl named Violet from small town New Jersey who moves to New York to pursue her dreams of being a songwriter for "Whitney, Mariah, whoever..." Of course, even though she grew up just down the turnpike from Manhattan, she's as naive as a farmer's daughter and learns the hard way that peddling your demo tape to snide receptionists at record label offices isn't going to get you anywhere in the Big City.
So instead of becoming an instant music biz success, Violet finds herself working at the meat packing district's wildest road house, Coyote Ugly.
Staffed by 102-lb. sexpots who habitually shake their stuff atop the bar in size two leather pants and titty-hugging tank tops, the joint is packed wall-to-wall every night with hooting, drooling patrons that the girls tease like pole-dancers to coax drinks into them and money out of them.
Written in Screenwriting 101 style, packed with every New York City cliché in the book (her dank, dingy flat is broken into her first week in town), and overflowing with sexy young things in WonderBras who grind against each other while dancing, the first half of "Coyote Ugly" plays like it was penned by a 13-year-old boy who just discovered masturbation. For the second half, the script must have been handed off to a 13-year-old girl who thinks Britney Spears is the greatest musical talent the world has ever known, because the rest of the movie is launched by a "Face it dad, I'm not your little girl anymore" speech and built around Violet overcoming stage fright and chasing her dream of selling bubble-gum pop songs -- aided, of course, by the charming encouragement of a handsome boy (Australian actor Adam Garcia) who just knows she can do it!
And yes, Violet sings. A lot. It's an endless source of unintentional comedy because when she's slinking across the bar at Coyote Ugly, singing along to the jukebox (each Coyote girl has a gimmick, that's hers), Perabo warbles in her own, weak and gritty voice. But when belting out one of the acoustic Lilith Faire-lite ditties she hopes to sell some day, suddenly she's a honey-voiced songbird, courtesy of audio looping by jailbait country music star LeAnn Rimes (who has a cameo in the finale).
Another hearty laugh stems from the fact that "Coyote Ugly" takes place in a picturesquely gritty, fantasy version of NYC in which a 21-year-old cutie pie bartender can walk down an alley at 4 a.m. in a 15-inch skirt and knee-highs, counting her tips without a care in the world.
But then, realism isn't a high priority for director David McNally, whose only significant previous credit is a Budweiser Superbowl spot. Apparently acting ability isn't awfully important to him either. As long as Perabo can toss her shampoo commercial hair during innumerable pouty, innocent double-takes as she discovers the wild world of New York night life, McNally seem to be happy. The rest of the foxy-but-forgettable cast (Maria Bello, Izabella Miko, Bridget Moynahan and fashion model Tyra Banks) looks mighty fine, and when they move their mouths words come out. But I wouldn't call it acting.
On the respectability front, the picture's one saving grace is John Goodman, who is blue collar perfection as Violet's modest, toll-collector pop.
But even though "Coyote Ugly" is tedious, obvious and badly staged, it does have an infectious spirit. That's hardly enough to save it, but in a year full of truly awful movies aimed at the can't-wait-to-be-21 crowd, it is enough to take the sting out of having to sit through another completely unoriginal, 100-percent pure Hollywood, assembly-line product.
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To understand the horror of Coyote Ugly is to understand how it was made.
It's 1993. Some Hollywood bigshot reads an article in GQ magazine about a nutty bar called the Coyote Ugly in Manhattan. They only have women bartenders, see, and they, like, dance on the bar with fire and stuff! And they don't serve water. If someone orders water they hose down the crowd! Holy mackerel, what a nutty place!
And then someone says, What a nutty place... for a movie! Cart in a screenwriter who invents a story about, say, a puppy-eyed girl from New Jersey who winds up working at the Ugly while trying to make it as a songwriter. Make up some obstacles: she has stage fright, she gets robbed, and her dad is fat. Pop in a troubled love interest. Toss in a bunch of heaving-bosomed women to dance on the bar, get Jerry Bruckheimer to produce, spend $40 million on advertising, and the movie's done!
But oops, someone forgot to make the movie any good along the way. Cliché- infested and so utterly tired and worn out as to make itself appear a relic of the early 1980s, Coyote Ugly is just plain bad. It almost seems like they decided to take a real-life place and tried to build a movie around it. Er, uh, wait a minute...
Piper Perabo, one of the most frightening newcomers to hit Hollywood in the last decade, plays our young heroine, who faces obstacle after obstacle en route to what must ultimately become ridiculous success beyond her wildest dreams. Note to Piper: Let's see if we can't dye the eyebrows to match the hair, shall we? Perabo's role is so badly acted it would be cause for raspberries galore were it not for an even worse script.
Newcomers like Adam Garcia (the love interest) and wannabes like Maria Bello (the bar owner) do their best with lines like "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you," but to no avail. Their hearts aren't in the movie, and for good reason: No nudity.
Er, I mean: A really awful story that feels ripped from The Bold and the Beautiful. Does fat dad (John Goodman) really need to be hospitalized to build drama? Would someone really rob poor Piper's rodent-infested Chinatown apartment? Would anyone really stop fighting in an all-out bar brawl to listen to the girl sing-along with the jukebox? I'd say all that was missing in Coyote Ugly was a wedding, but they squeezed one of those in there too.
For those not following along, Bruckheimer is essentially trying to remake his own Flashdance, which made an incredible $95 million back in 1983. They even dump water on the bartenders, "Maniac" style. And I think it's safe to predict that Perabo's career will likely follow that of her predecessor, Jennifer Beals. In other words: Hello, Cinemax!
Come to think of it, that's probably where most people will end up seeing this movie.
One of the strangest "unrated" edition DVDs to come along -- ever. For starters, the original was only rated PG-13. Nevertheless, this rendition is far raunchier, with a restored sex scene with Perabo and Garcia, and more profanity, especially in the songs. Alas, anyone expecting that scandalous orgy with the Coyote girls is going to be sorely disappointed. Deleted scenes and a commentary track (from just about everyone involved in the film) highlight the extras. A handful of featurettes and documentaries round out the disc. Strangely recommended or not. Or something.
She's a maniac on the bar.
Review by
Christopher Null
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Jerry Bruckheimer is the sort of movie producer who normally loves to pepper his brainless big-bucks blockbusters with giant asteroids hurtling towards the earth, crashing helicopters and men leaping towards the camera in slow motion as an explosion goes off in the background. With ‘Coyote Ugly’, though, he’s managed to back a flick that ignores all of those clichés… and replaces them with some even worse ones (a trying-on-clothes montage, anyone?).
This set-in-stone chick-flick stars Piper Perabo – in what I suppose you’d call her breakthrough role – as perma-smiling New Jersey gal Violet. Her dream is to move to New York City and become a songwriter – bless. So, in an incredible turn of events, she moves to New York City and becomes a songwriter! Unfortunately though, there is a little more to it than that. Because, as we all know, if you really want to make it in the music industry – and I mean REALLY make it – you must work up to it gradually by serving drinks in rowdy bars where the main entertainment is provided by unusually-safe PG-friendly wet t-shirt contests.
Yup, welcome to “Coyote Ugly”, the rubbishly-titled watering hole where our Violet starts to earn a crust. Here, she and her fellow barmaids dress up like hookers and dance around the top of the bar, sometimes even setting fire to it with absolutely, positively, no regard for clearly-stipulated health and safety regulations. Not that I’m complaining, of course, but I’d actually have more respect for the film if it just dumped its nice-girl-gotta-make-a-living pretence and just presented us with an hour-and-a-half of girls strutting suggestively around a pub.
To the flick’s credit, it does contain an enjoyable turn from John Goodman as Violet’s sweaty-faced KFC-guzzling dad, and regardless of Perabo’s limited talents she’s always a nice face to look at. But, aside from the obvious doses of eye-candy, the only thing that keeps this ridiculous movie watchable is the fact that, inadvertently, it’s hilarious. Screenwriter Gina Wendkos has managed to pen some of the most atrocious dialogue ever spoken on-screen (whenever anyone in the bar orders water, everyone in the place chants “Hell no, H2O!”), and director David McNally displays all the behind-the-camera panache of a man with no thumbs (his only other existing credit to date is Kangaroo Jack – I’m sure you’ll all agree, it’s a cracking resume!). The story is daft, the characters as one-dimensional and under-developed as you’ll see outside ‘Showgirls’, and the climax rushed beyond comprehension. This might not be an “Ugly” movie, but it definitely is a bad one.
It's Got: Four Oscars for Best Motion Picture, Best Director, Best Actress in a Leading Role and Best Original Score. Nah – actually, I’m lying.
It Needs: A reinforced bar-top for one of John Goodman’s latter scenes.
DVD Extras Trailers, audio commentary, three short ‘Search for the Stars’ featurettes, four additional scenes, an “action” montage, LeAnn Rimes’ ‘Can’t Fight the Moonlight’ video, a 2-minute ‘Coyote 101’ featurette, and a look ‘Inside the Songs’ (revealing where the inspiration came from for such incredible lyrics as “Baby you’re the right kind of wrong” and “You can’t fight the moonlight”). Version reviewedCoyote Ugly DVD Extras Rating: 6/10
Alternatives:
Glitter, Crossroads
Summary:
You know the sort of film that’s so bad you’ll chew your own arm off just to get away from it? That’s ‘Coyote Ugly’.
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