I wasn’t going to write this even though that phrase kept echoing in my head. My reasons against it were: a-I couldn’t figure out how to tie it into writing for redeeming value and b-as much as I appreciate others sharing vulnerability, I’m not very good at it myself.
My sister, four years my senior, once told me that it scared her to see me cry because I didn’t do it often, thus leading her to conclude my tears meant something was seriously wrong. I am a very emotional woman but I am also highly intellectual and the two characteristics tend to form a balance of strategy and control. The times I shed tears are usually when my mind searches long and hard but can’t seem to find any answers, finally yielding to the heart.
Last night I cried and the mind released the flood gates giving way to a heart that has been storing an emotional well. I have reached the height of acceptance and have stood perched on the landing that I now recognize as numbness. Last night my knees buckled, my legs gave way and I fell into an ocean of tears that felt like a baptismal cleansing of the soul. It washed away invincibility and clothed me in the painful realization that I am human.
Last night I cried, not because anything was seriously wrong but because I had to yield. Unable to get to sleep as my mind continued on its search for answers, I somehow ended up on the Christian evangelist channel. I heard the phrase “peace of mind is rest” and the tears came gushing down. I cried because I have not rested in a long time and couldn’t figure out how to obtain peace of mind. I had to admit that I do not control my world and, despite my best efforts, lack the ability to direct this massive production.
Since deciding to truly follow my calling, I have been diligent in taking practical steps. I write regularly, network socially and follow literary trends. I thought this was what I needed to do because it made sense. I was not prepared for the internal obstacles, the relationships resistant to change, the wait for it to finally “happen” for me.
Last night I cried because I realized it is happening, even if it is not in the form I anticipated. I wiped the tears, blew my nose and then I prayed. Today I checked Twitter and an online friend told me the universe had a message for me, “don’t think so much”. I realized I cried to remind myself to feel and let go. Still filled with challenges, today was a better day but tomorrow I may cry again.