Falling apart at the drop of a hat
It is scary to feel like I can just fall apart at any minute. Lately I feel as though I will cry at the drop of a hat. I feel raw with emotion. I know this isn’t a bad thing, but when I feel vulnerable, it still feels scary. As much as I remind myself, I still forget, “this too, shall pass”. Thankfully, my dark spots are not the size of a crater anymore, but nonetheless, they can still feel debilitating when they last for more than a few days. I try to remind myself it will pass if I just allow myself to “be with it”. Of course, that can be the hardest and sometimes the most painful part. I know that I have a pretty sensitive nervous system. I feel grateful that I discovered this so I could stop beating myself up for “being so sensitive.” I am learning to love this about myself, rather than hate it. Most of the time, that is. For the past few days, I have strongly disliked this fact.
Many tears flowing
There has been many tears the last few days, but the release feels good. I can tell there is more to come. It has retreated for today. Each time I just stay with my sensation of being stuck, I am able to release more and feel better. When I try to fight the feelings and push at them, they remain with me, and they push back harder. I must keep reminding myself that I am peeling back the layers of emotions as my body is ready to release them. As much as I want it to be over with, I can’t hurry the process. I really am exactly where I am supposed to be. Damn, that is a hard thing to remember in the midst of the struggle. Once I am able to get my fingertips to the top of the hole to pull myself out, I am hit with a huge ah-ha moment. I realize once again, that I always feel better after the struggle. I do want to say that there was a time when I was just in a constant struggle, there was no, “this too, shall pass”. It never passed, it stayed right where it was because I had no idea how to be present with it.
The struggle with dark emotions
Sometimes it is still hard for me to put into words what is happening inside me when I am struggling with dark emotions. I can just explain the sensation of what my body is telling me. Today I felt as though I had a rock lodged in my stomach. After sitting with this sensation for about 15 minutes, I noticed that my body was telling me that the “rock” in my stomach was a feeling of being unsafe and scared. Of what? Not really sure, but it also doesn’t always matter. With the help of my therapist, I tried to give the “rock” a voice, to ask it what it was afraid of. This is something you can do for yourself if you are not working with a therapist. I was able to feel in my body that there was something pushing against the “rock” to keep it stuck there. I discovered that I was feeling too vulnerable and also unsafe. I was able to get to a place of feeling safe by thinking of a time when I *did* feel safe. Once I let my mind and body go to the place of feeling safe, the stuck feeling did dissolve. I had to remember there was no “goal” to the process. I wasn’t trying to make it go away, I wasn’t trying to solve the problem, I was simply trying to let the sensation have a voice.
Trust yourself, trust your body
Our bodies are so much a part of our emotions. Even when our minds can’t figure out *what* or *why* we feel a certain way, the feelings in our bodies are telling us enough information. It is the mind that wants to make us think we have to “figure it all out”. Believe me, my mind tries to convince me of this on a regular basis. I talk to myself often. It is necessary to put the mind in it’s place, so to speak. It really can convince us of anything if we listen to it long enough. Three years ago, I couldn’t answer the question, “how are you feeling”, or “what is alive in you right now”? Today, I am able to feel the places in my body where I hold my emotions. My stomach is the first place my emotions go. Trusting my body feels good. It will only allow what I can handle to come to the surface. My fear of completely exploding will not happen. My body is my protector. It will let me know when it needs to release. Trust yourself, trust your body.
Video of Eckhart Tolle discussing how to express emotions.
There is a great “moving meditation” under featured videos called No Dimensions by Osho.