Respectful parenting can change our world

I like to imagine a world in which every human being is treated with respect, kindness, and unconditional love. I believe that our world is shifting in a way that this dream of mine can become reality. I think we are ready to shift our relationships with other people so that the emptiness that many of us feel will transform into deeper connections.

When my children were born 11 years ago (I have twins), I thought that I would parent them in the same way that I saw many other people parenting their children. And, in fact, the same way I was parented. I soon came to realize that this way didn't feel right in my heart. I wanted to follow my intuition and really listen to what my children needed. When I trusted, things went smoothly. When I didn't trust, and instead, listened to an "expert", or resorted to my own conditioning, things didn't work so well.

It is amazing to have the relationship that I have with my children. I believe it is possible for every parent to have an amazing relationship with their children. It is so much simpler than we are led to believe. When we are able to step back and ask ourselves if we are treating our children with the same respect that we ask of them, our parenting relationships can begin to heal. When we are able to follow the love in our hearts instead of following the fear of "messing up our kids", or of what others may think of us, our world changes for the better.

There is a growing number of parents who are helping to heal our world by parenting their children in a mindful, respectful way. When children grow up with complete trust and respect, they treat others the same way. This has the potential to heal our world. I think people are ready. I think we have reached the place where we want to experience our relationships with each other in a deeper, more respectful, connected way. It is time to slow down and just be with each other. Our children deserve this respect so that they can feel it deep within themselves. They can feel what is their birthright- to feel joy and respect, and deeply loved for exactly who they are.

I realize that each generation is different, and that we all learn as we go. However, the need for love and respect is always there, especially in children. It is a basic need that we are all born with. We can always choose to make a different choice than the way we grew up. When my husband and I decided to parent differently than the way we were raised, it was not easy at first. We still fall into patterns that were ingrained in us. If we make mistakes, we apologize to our kids. We tell them exactly why we said what we said, and apologize, just like we would do to our friends, or to each other. They understand that we are learning too.

Respect them, and they respect us. Respect them and they respect others. Respect them, and they respect the world around them.

If you would like to read more about mindful parenting and other similar topics, you can visit me here: www.benurtured.com

Parenting mindfully and thinking outside the box

Staying present while we are parenting can be difficult at times. Our kids are such good teachers. They are able to create situations to help us grow as parents. We can be sure that when we are having a strong reaction to a situation involving our kids, there is something within us that needs to be healed. If we are mindful, we are able to grow and heal. If we are not mindful, we have knee jerk reactions that can keep us stuck in the box of parenting from reaction instead of presence. Mindful parenting helps us heal our own emotional wounds, so that nurturing our children comes from a healthier place.

We are all busy these days, and it is easy to get caught up in the, “hurry up, let's go here”, or the “hurry up, we are going to be late” syndrome. What is the reaction to the child that is not in a hurry, one that is really enjoying what she is engaged in, one that is in the present moment? Obviously, there are times when we have to be somewhere at a certain time, parents that need to be at work, etc. However, what about the times when we think we have to be somewhere, when we have it in our minds that there is no choice? This is the time to practice mindful parenting and thinking outside the box. Some books may tell us to offer rewards for the child's cooperation, or offer them a bribe, or maybe you might resort to the reaction you would have gotten when you were a child. Some of these things appear to work. For instance, the parent got what they wanted since the child went along with the plan. Success, right? At what expense to the parent-child relationship?

What would happen if you try something a bit different? Another option would be to step outside the box, so to speak. What might happen if we stop, look the child in the eyes, breathe deeply, let go of the judgments going through our minds about how we can't believe we are letting a child decide what to do, and then really listen when the child tells us her needs. This is mindful parenting. Being able to really hear and see each other as human beings, not judging our situations or ourselves. Being as gentle with ourselves as we are with our children, as we learn a new way of being with our beloved children.

When a child is having a "tantrum", this is a sign that we are not being present with them and they have a need that is not being met. If we are able to tune out the stares of others around us, and the voices in our heads of "it must be all my fault," or my child is being unreasonable etc, we can clearly see our child for who they really are. They are human beings who are trying to get their needs met. Ask yourself what the difference is between a child's cry for help(tantrum), or your tantrum when you are whining for the child to hurry up. Not in judgment of yourself, just to notice if you feel there is a difference. Why would one person's needs be more important than another person's? I believe that children who get their needs met will grow into empathic adults who are sensitive to others needs, which in turn, creates a healthier world for all.

By thinking outside the box and mindfully parenting our children, we have the opportunity to heal ourselves and to nurture our children. We are able to heal ourselves by being present and really being with our children in an authentic way. When we love ourselves and our children, we are participating in healing our planet. When we heal ourselves, we can nurture our children in a healthier way. I believe that children that are nurtured in an emotionally healthy way (with mindfulness), grow up to be healthy adults, making healthy choices for themselves and for the world they live in.

If you would like to read more about mindful parenting and other similar topics, you can visit me here: www.benurtured.com

Unschooling leads to children discovering their passions

We unschool our kids. Many people might not know what this means. I didn't know what it meant either. I knew that when my kids were toddlers, I could not stand the thought of sending them to school. I did not want to be away from them, nor did I feel it was an idea that they would be happy about. We had so much fun being together, that my husband and I asked ourselves, “Why should we send them if we don't have to?” We wanted them to keep their sense of curiosity, and to always feel that learning is fun.

When our kids were babies, we parented them with attachment style parenting. This helped pave the road to unschooling. Some people have asked me if unschooling means un-parenting. It does not mean to just let your kids go without being a partner to them. It means helping them find the things that interest them, and it means journeying with them down many different paths. It does not mean to be submissive and just basically ignore your kids. It means to "BE" with them, be present with them, help them find things that they are interested in, do things with them, be very involved with them, but follow their lead, help them find and follow their passions. It is very involved, but a blast! It is like being on summer vacation all year!

My husband and I follow our kids' lead. We try to expose them to as many things as we can, and then we follow them. We are partners with them. We help them follow things they love until they don't want to do those things anymore. If they are passionate about one thing for a year, then we help them follow that passion for a year. We help them find out everything they possibly can about that passion. We don't treat them like we are in control or that we know what is best for them just because we happen to be older.

I have no "agenda" for my kids. We live each day exactly how we want to. If they want to watch movies all day, they do that. I know that humans are born knowing how to learn, so there is learning in everything we do. Remembering this allows me to trust this process. Children do not need to "learn" how to learn. There is no way that they can go through a day without learning something new, if we as parents, are active partners. Try to go through one day without learning something new, it is nearly impossible to do!

Some people assume that kids will just go wild and do really dangerous things if they are able to make choices for themselves. This is simply not true. If a child learns to think for themselves, and make choices for themselves, they live more authentically, they learn to live from their heart. Unschooling gives kids the freedom and the space to really find out what they love. They are able to stay with their passions rather than being told it is time to move on to some other arbitrary subject. They get to decide what they find interesting and follow it. They will learn exactly what they need when they need it.

Our “curriculum” looks very different than what a school curriculum might look like. At the top of my list is JOY, followed by happiness and compassion. Empathy is in there as well. I honestly don't care if they learn the "subjects" that someone else has decided they should learn. Will they really retain those things anyway? If they decide to learn those things, I know they will. When they choose to learn something, they retain it. I want them to know what joy feels like, and I want them to be passionate about life in a way that their true self shines through. What more could I ask for really?

It comes down to trust. I trust 100% that they will learn everything they need to learn when they need to learn it. I see it happen on a daily basis. This fills my heart with joy.

For more on unschooling and on nurturing ourselves, please stop by my website at benurtured.com. Also, if you are interested in reading about unschooling and natural learning, pick up any book by John Holt, especially How Children Learn, and Learning All The Time.

Unschooling: Try it free for one day

Everybody likes to get something for free, right? I would like to give you something for free. This is for everybody, not just those with "school-age" children. I want to give you the freedom to unschool yourself and/or your kids for one day. It might feel overwhelming to some people to imagine taking the leap into unschooling, but for just one day it might seem doable.

Here is what I am thinking. For just one day, maybe on a Saturday or Sunday, let yourself follow your heart. How many times have you wanted to do something but stopped yourself because you "had to" go here or there, or do this or that. How many times have you talked yourself out of doing something because the little voice in your head told you to stop thinking that way, it is childish, or that you "shouldn't" want to do something like that? I wonder how often you are aware of doing this to yourself? So, you get a free pass to listen to those whims and follow those dreams. See where it leads you. A passion from long ago might be reignited.

If you have children, let them do the things that you have always said no to. Let them stay up until they are really tired, let them eat candy before dinner, let them play outside past dark. Go play with them! Follow their passions for the day, and see where it leads you and your family. The most important thing is, savor the look of joy on their faces, and yours! Tell the voices in your head to take the day off! Give them a rest from their job of telling you all of the reasons why you or your child can't or shouldn't do something that you are wanting to do. If you find yourself listening to the voices, see if you can really ask yourself, “Does it really make sense to say no, or do I just say no because I have always done it that way?"

Get in touch with your inner kid for the day. Let yourself off the hook from doing all of those things that "just can't wait." Can the dishes wait until after you play kickball with your kids, or can that phone call wait until after you paint a picture or make a collage?

What is it that you love to do but never give yourself permission to do? Ask yourself that question many times throughout the day. If your child asks to do something and you catch yourself getting ready to answer no, take a deep breath and ask yourself why not? Do I really have a reasonable answer, or is it just easier for me to say no?

Once we become more aware of the many times that we say no to ourselves and to our children, we begin to allow new possibilities into our lives. We begin to ask ourselves why and why not more often. It might feel scary for awhile, but once you get the hang of it, it is freedom! We can have freedom and yet still get things done that need to get done. We start to remember that we always have a choice.

Give it a try for just one day. Listen to your heart, have fun, feel joy and let stress take the day off. Who knows, one day might lead into two days. Give yourself permission to be free to do the things you love, with no strings attached. This is what unschooling looks like. Unschooling means having the freedom to follow the truth that is in your heart and to support those you love in the things that give them joy. No strings attached. Have fun!

If you would like to read more about unschooling and other similar topics, you can visit my website at www.benurtured.com

World peace begins with our children

World peace begins with our children. Emotionally healthy children grow into emotionally healthy adults. Emotionally healthy children learn inner peace. Children that grow up feeling inner peace become peaceful adults. To begin the process, we need to make sure that all children grow up with positive messages streaming through their psyches. This doesn’t mean praising children and giving them affirmations that don’t come across as being authentic. Children can feel whether or not a person is being authentic with them. For this reason, the verbal messages and the non-verbal messages are equally important. We can "tell" our children how wonderful they are, but if we are not in the moment with them, listening to them and really being attentive to their needs, they receive an entirely different message.

My hope is that all adults will realize that their presence in a child's life makes a very significant impact. Since children are technically living in an adult world, they are at the mercy of adults—parents, teachers, caregivers, employers, etc. They are conditioned with the messages that they receive from all of these adults. We hope that they receive healthy messages, but the reality is that this doesn't happen as often as we would like it to. Many adults are walking around with unhealed wounds from their own past, and those messages get passed on to the next generation. I believe that all parents have great intentions, and they all love their children deeply. It can be difficult to be the kind of parent we want to be if we aren’t aware of the messages that we tell ourselves. Awareness is always a starting point. Once we become aware of something, we have the ability to change it. Being human is a magnificent gift in that we can change things about ourselves that aren’t working for us.

The wonderful thing is that children are resilient, which gives us many chances to make mistakes. Once we become aware of the impact we have, we are able to make adjustments to our interactions with children. For adults that have unhealed wounds, this is a good time to work on healing them. Many of us didn't know we had unhealed wounds until after having children, so once again, our children present us with opportunities that lead us to personal growth. By choosing to heal ourselves, we give the next generation a healthier start. They can start out with healthy messages flowing through them. They live in the inner peace that they were born with. Of course there will be sadness, disappointment, anger and other normal emotions in situations that come up in their lives. When they have a starting point of knowing deep within themselves that they are okay, they will be able to get through these situations with trust and awareness.

My dream is that every human being walking the face of the Earth will have the following messages flowing through them: I am loved, I matter to this world, I have a gift to share with the world, my birthright is joy, I was born for a reason, I have a deep knowing that I belong here, I am loved for exactly who I am, I am heard and I am seen, I am powerful, I am capable, I am safe, I am connected to everything in the world.

I am sure that there are many other healing messages that could be added to the list, but these can be an excellent start. The good news is that we all are capable of healing ourselves, we are resilient and we are awesome creators. We can change our awareness whenever we want to! We can all begin again whenever we choose to. Be the change!

For a list of books that have been helpful to me on this journey, please check out my booklist on my website at www.benurtured.com.

How do kids figure out who they are and what they love to do?

The main thing I love about unschooling my kids is that they have the opportunity to try out many different things at their own pace. I love the idea of them discovering who they are and what they love to do. They do not have to start and stop activities when someone else tells them to. If they start something and hate it, they stop. They don't have to stick it out or finish what they started. I don't want them to learn that the world is a negative place, I want them to learn that they don't have to do things that make them miserable and unhappy. I hear people saying, “but they will have to learn that lesson!” Will they? I am hoping they won't. I am hoping that they will learn that if something isn't right for them they will find something else that is. I want them to learn this message, rather than the message that they must stay with something even if they are miserable and unhappy. Sure, when they are older, they may have to stick with something they don't like until they are able to move on to something that feels better. I just don’t want them to get the message that they have to suffer in order to show that they aren’t quitters.

I believe that childhood should be about discovering who you are, what you love and having a lot of freedom and room to do these things. When we put a child into school, we take away their freedom to learn and grow at their own pace. They learn such things as, how to be quiet when told to, how to ask permission to speak, how to ask permission to use the restroom or to get a drink. The main thing they learn is that they need someone else to teach them how to learn and what they should learn. It is unfortunate that most schools do not allow children to follow their hearts when it comes to exploring and learning new things. If a child becomes interested in something, they must move on if the teacher says it is time. They may not discover their true passions because there wasn't time.

Schools expect a lot out of children. They expect them to sit quietly and listen to well-meaning teachers talk about things that they may or may not be interested in. They expect them to do well on standardized tests so that the school district scores well and looks good. They expect them to learn exactly the same as all of the other kids in the school. They expect students to go along with what the school deems "important" and not to question authority.

Unschooled kids have the opportunity to get in tune with themselves and to listen to their bodies. If they need more sleep on any given day, they can sleep in later. If there is an activity that they really don't want to miss, they can get up early to be there. It is their choice on what to do with their day. They take charge of their own life because they have autonomy. They live from an authentic place.

Of course, there are schooled kids that excel at different things and may discover a passion. It is a gift that parents can give their children to help them discover their passions while also attending school. However, so many times I see kids who excel at school, but are doing it for the praise they receive. They are not coming from that authentic place within themselves. They are coming from an external need for approval.

I think more and more people are realizing the problems that our schools have. I think we should overhaul all of the schools and let kids lead on their path of education. If they are given the opportunity to choose for themselves the path they want to take, they will retain the information they have learned because it was their choice to learn it. They won't just learn how to memorize information and then regurgitate it on a test. They will learn what they love instead of learning how to get a good grade on a test.

Giving our children the freedom to learn in their own way empowers them to want to do what feels right to them. By doing what feels right to them, they are in touch with themselves instead of basing their self worth on external rewards and praise. When children are raised in a respectful, authentic way, I believe they give that same respect back to society. Kids don't need to be told what is good for them, they can discover it all on their own, when given the freedom to do so.

If you would like to read more about unschooling and personal growth, please visit my website at www.benurtured.com. I also recommend the following books on education: Dumbing Us Down by John Taylor Gatto, The Book of Learning and Forgetting by Frank Smith and The Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace Llewellyn.

Letting the tears and the emotions flow

DEPRESSION, HEALING & PERSONAL GROWTH, SELF-LOVE - No Comments » - Posted on November, 20 at 12:10 am

Falling apart at the drop of a hat

It is scary to feel like I can just fall apart at any minute. Lately I feel as though I will cry at the drop of a hat. I feel raw with emotion. I know this isn’t a bad thing, but when I feel vulnerable, it still feels scary. As much as I remind myself, I still forget, “this too, shall pass”. Thankfully, my dark spots are not the size of a crater anymore, but nonetheless, they can still feel debilitating when they last for more than a few days. I try to remind myself it will pass if I just allow myself to “be with it”. Of course, that can be the hardest and sometimes the most painful part. I know that I have a pretty sensitive nervous system. I feel grateful that I discovered this so I could stop beating myself up for “being so sensitive.” I am learning to love this about myself, rather than hate it. Most of the time, that is. For the past few days, I have strongly disliked this fact.

Many tears flowing

There has been many tears the last few days, but the release feels good. I can tell there is more to come. It has retreated for today. Each time I just stay with my sensation of being stuck, I am able to release more and feel better. When I try to fight the feelings and push at them, they remain with me, and they push back harder. I must keep reminding myself that I am peeling back the layers of emotions as my body is ready to release them. As much as I want it to be over with, I can’t hurry the process. I really am exactly where I am supposed to be. Damn, that is a hard thing to remember in the midst of the struggle. Once I am able to get my fingertips to the top of the hole to pull myself out, I am hit with a huge ah-ha moment. I realize once again, that I always feel better after the struggle. I do want to say that there was a time when I was just in a constant struggle, there was no, “this too, shall pass”. It never passed, it stayed right where it was because I had no idea how to be present with it.

The struggle with dark emotions

Sometimes it is still hard for me to put into words what is happening inside me when I am struggling with dark emotions. I can just explain the sensation of what my body is telling me. Today I felt as though I had a rock lodged in my stomach. After sitting with this sensation for about 15 minutes, I noticed that my body was telling me that the “rock” in my stomach was a feeling of being unsafe and scared. Of what? Not really sure, but it also doesn’t always matter. With the help of my therapist, I tried to give the “rock” a voice, to ask it what it was afraid of. This is something you can do for yourself if you are not working with a therapist. I was able to feel in my body that there was something pushing against the “rock” to keep it stuck there. I discovered that I was feeling too vulnerable and also unsafe. I was able to get to a place of feeling safe by thinking of a time when I *did* feel safe. Once I let my mind and body go to the place of feeling safe, the stuck feeling did dissolve. I had to remember there was no “goal” to the process. I wasn’t trying to make it go away, I wasn’t trying to solve the problem, I was simply trying to let the sensation have a voice.

Trust yourself, trust your body

Our bodies are so much a part of our emotions. Even when our minds can’t figure out *what* or *why* we feel a certain way, the feelings in our bodies are telling us enough information. It is the mind that wants to make us think we have to “figure it all out”. Believe me, my mind tries to convince me of this on a regular basis. I talk to myself often. It is necessary to put the mind in it’s place, so to speak. It really can convince us of anything if we listen to it long enough. Three years ago, I couldn’t answer the question, “how are you feeling”, or “what is alive in you right now”? Today, I am able to feel the places in my body where I hold my emotions. My stomach is the first place my emotions go. Trusting my body feels good. It will only allow what I can handle to come to the surface. My fear of completely exploding will not happen. My body is my protector. It will let me know when it needs to release. Trust yourself, trust your body.

Video of Eckhart Tolle discussing how to express emotions.

There is a great “moving meditation” under featured videos called No Dimensions by Osho.

http://www.benurtured.com/

Distracting ourselves from ourselves

I was recently talking to a friend that had just returned from vacation. She told me how difficult it had been to really allow herself to just "be," to just relax. She felt pretty sure that she didn't know how to do this. She has been reading about present moment awareness and is learning different ways to try to do this, but when it came time to practice, it was difficult for her.

This got me thinking about how much we try to distract ourselves with activities and things to do so that we don't have to be with ourselves. We are so busy that we have to schedule time to just check in with ourselves to see what feels alive in us at that moment. This has been a chronic problem in our society for quite some time. It starts at a young age and just gradually gets worse. Even as babies, adults try to distract them away from being upset. Babies and young children cry, and an adult might say to them, "oh, you're okay." The distraction method begins then. I'm not really sure why people are so afraid of emotions. We are made to believe early on that showing emotion is somehow bothersome to others, or a sign of weakness. We sometimes try to make jokes instead of feeling our sadness or anger.

For me, I got to the point where I couldn't go on feeling depressed or anxious any longer and knew that something must change. I got into therapy (not just traditional talk therapy), learned that I actually HAD emotions, learned how to feel my emotions and attend to them, and I learned how to meditate. These things, combined with homeopathy have changed my life. I am able to see now how I had learned techniques that would distract me from myself! I learned that emotions are energy. If we allow ourselves to just feel them, they move through our bodies pretty quickly. I think in Jill Bolte Taylor's book My Stroke of Insight, she stated that an emotion lasts about 90 seconds.

I really believe that if we are going to have schools, then the most important subject taught should be the emotional life of humans, allowing yourself to feel them, expressing them in a healthy way and being a listener when others are expressing their emotions. This would lead into the next subject, which would be relationships: how to have an honest and trusting relationship with another emotionally healthy person. Hmmm, maybe I need to start a program...

Visit me at www.benurtured.com for more information on personal growth, unschooling, respectful parenting, and more.

Don't forget your daily hugs!

I made a sign that hangs in my kitchen that says, "Don't forget your daily hugs." I didn't think I would forget to hug my husband, my kids, and my pets, but I was surprised to discover that sometimes I did forget to make sure everybody got enough hugs! I thought I would hang a sign up as an awareness practice. My kids will sometimes come up to me now and ask me if I need a hug, or ask for a hug for themselves. It is something that I treasure, and will forever.

It seems that most of our world is touch deprived. It is a well known fact that if babies aren't touched enough, they do not thrive. It is essential to humans to be touched. I wonder how many people go through a whole day without touching anyone. I feel sad about this. I think it is sad that so many people have become afraid to "get in someone's personal space". I am all for respecting boundaries, but I think we have gone overboard. In my opinion, it is a symptom of a culture that is also afraid to show emotions. By hugging someone, we might have to feel a feeling along with the hug. Some have been taught that this is a scary thing, and it is to be avoided.

I actually witnessed a young child fall backwards off a chair and her father didn't even get up to help her up or to make sure she was okay. He was too worried about other people watching them. He made a comment to the child that she should have watched what she was doing. She was clearly hurting, but not once did he hug her or comfort her. I wanted to go to her and offer comfort, but I didn't know her, so this would have been a problem, I'm sure. I think about babies and young children that aren't getting touched and held enough. I think about babies that go from crib, to high chair to car seat, to bouncy seat, back to crib. Some of them aren't getting much contact at all.

I think we can get rid of the baby gear, make a sling to carry the baby, and hold the baby as much as possible. Ignore anyone who says that the baby is getting spoiled, that is just not possible! Babies especially, must be held and touched. This is how they learn to trust and to love. When they are being carried, they learn about the world from a safe place. I also slept with my kids, and it was the best thing I could have ever done! We became so in sync that I would wake up about 10 seconds before they needed to nurse in the nighttime. It opened up my heart more than I thought possible. It felt like a primal instinct. It felt so right, even though there were people saying it was bad or unsafe.

Our journey began when I turned away from what the mainstream parenting was telling me I should be doing. I knew in my heart that my babies needed close contact with me, so this is what I gave them. They thrived while getting huge amounts of contact and touch. I don't think we stop needing this closeness and comfort just because we get older. Although it is taught that as kids get older, they become "big" girls or boys, and they are expected to not need so much. Again, I think this is a symptom of our dysfunction. We are human, therefore we need to be touched and hugged, and comforted no matter how old we are.

I hope that we find ways to lose the baby gear, so that every baby gets a healthy amount of touch right from the start. I am sure we could find ways to recycle the gear that is already here into something more useful. Then we can hold our babies and our children, and keep hugging and holding each other forever. No age limit on hugs! I think this is part of the recipe that our world needs in order to heal and to find peace all around. So, hang up your signs and practice hugging everyday. Don't forget your dogs and cats and other pets!

Let's keep our kids awake by doing our own healing work

Prior to giving birth to my children, I never thought I would be trying to make sure my kids stay conscious in their lives. I don't mean trying to make sure they don't fall down and knock themselves out. Of course, I don't want that to happen either, but anyway....

Truthfully, I had never heard the terms “being conscious”, or “staying present”, prior to having kids. That all changed when I read the book called Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn. This was my introduction to mindful parenting, and also my introduction to a whole new world. Learning to be present with my kids became even more of a priority as my kids got older. However, my top priority was working on being present with myself.

I have noticed that as long as I continue to work on myself in terms of growing and healing, I am able to help my kids stay present in their lives. When I am present with them, they learn to be present with themselves. If I were to model holding in my emotions and not allowing them to express their emotions, they learn to go inward and start the process of becoming unconscious. I do know that I was completely unconscious in my life prior to being blessed with my children. I thought I was rolling right along until I realized that something was really off.

I believe that the best parenting advice I can ever give anyone is to do your own healing work, and then everything else will fall into place. Simple? No, not by a long shot. However, most “parenting problems” are more about the parent than they are about the child. Just like Caesar, the dog whisperer, says about dogs and their owners-it is always about the owners and not so much about the dogs. I am definitely not comparing raising children to training dogs, it just reminded me of him when I wrote the above.

I think it is also very important for us to be present with any child that we come into contact with. Whenever my kids have friends over, I strive to be present with those children as well as my own. I have seen shock in some of them. They seem so shocked that an adult is treating them as an equal. Many of them say things that they might not say at home or at school. At first, I can see the look on their face of waiting for me to correct them, or to tell them they shouldn't say things like that. It feels good to be present to people that may not get that gift very often. I figure that even if I can be present for them just once, they can experience what it feels like and maybe it will stick with them.

Since losing my brother to suicide two years ago, I have made it my mission to heal myself while also sharing my experiences with as many people that will listen to me! I have a website where I share my experiences and my thoughts, if you would like to visit. My website is www.benurtured.com. I also have information about depression, homeopathy, meditation, unschooling, and more! Hope to see you there!

http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/7747/let_s_keep_our_kids_awake_by_doing_our_own_healing_worka

Unschooling has nothing to do with school

My family and I just returned from an unschooling conference/gathering that was held in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada. This was our fourth unschooling event in the past three years. I am still feeling the love that was radiating at this gathering. I have been an advocate for respectful parenting for a few years now. I believe that as parents, it is our responsibility to heal our own childhood wounds while parenting our children mindfully and loving them for exactly who they are. Mindful parenting led my family to the unschooling path.

I felt very emotional at the gathering. I was either in tears, or on the verge of tears almost the whole time that we were there. I really couldn't put into words the emotions that I was feeling, except to know that they came from a place very deep inside me. I believe that my emotions stemmed from a deep wound of my own, one that told me I am not okay as I am. At this gathering, I felt deep in my soul that I am more than okay exactly how I am. This was a place where I felt accepted for exactly who I am, and my kids were as well. Being surrounded by people who treat their children respectfully and who see their child's unique gifts no matter what they may look like to others, was overwhelmingly beautiful. I felt so joyful and happy, and very weepy.

I know that the place deep in my soul was feeling loved in a way that we were all meant to be loved and nurtured. I felt so grateful to be blessed with this gift. This is what I strive for in my everyday life with my children. I want them to know that they are perfect exactly how they are.

I wish that I could write the "vision" that I have in my head of these beautiful children running around in pure bliss. They do not have the "hang-ups" that many schooled children have. They are not afraid to be exactly who they were meant to be. To them, it is not an option to be someone they are not. They will not conform to someone else's idea of who they should be. They have the freedom to discover what they love. They act on instinct, they are internally motivated to do things that they are passionate about. When they get tired of something, they move on.

People that are passionate about their lives are people that are going to help change the world for the better. I thought to myself over and over while at the gathering that I wish I could announce to the whole world how wonderful unschooling is for everyone! It is life, it really has nothing to do with school. It is living, being, and experiencing all that is our world. It is being loved just because you are you. It is about being our child's partner on this journey they are having while discovering their world. It is being a loving presence when they need help navigating.

The best gift each of us can give the world is to be emotionally healthy in ourselves so that we are able to be with other people in a conscious loving way. I do believe world peace begins with our children. Unschooling allows children to live authentically from that place deep in their soul that tells them they are perfect exactly how they are.

I write about my experiences with unschooling, personal growth, mindful parenting, meditation, my journey through chronic depression, and more, on my website www.benurtured.com. I hope you will visit me.

http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/8024/unschooling_has_nothing_to_do_with_school

Unschooling teaches kids how to give from the heart

In my last post, I wrote about how unschooling really doesn't have anything to do with school. I would like to give unschooling a different title, but I haven't come up with one yet. It really is a way of life rather than just an alternative to school. I wanted to start with that definition so that the rest of my post makes sense.

Unschooling teaches kids how to give from the heart. Here is an example: My husband and I do not force our children to do chores, to say please and thank you, to clean their rooms, or any other arbitrary thing that we have decided they must be taught. We don't teach them any of these things, yet they choose to do them when they feel the need, or when they know that it would really help someone out. They are empathic children. They are sensitive to the needs of others, and they are authentic and honest. I am not saying these things to sound as though I am bragging about my children. I am hoping that by saying these things, it will encourage people to consider another way to relate to children.

Living this life has made me see that when a child is forced to say please and thank, forced to clean their room, forced to do things that don't resonate with them, they learn that doing things for other people is really not that enjoyable. They don't learn what it feels like to really want to do these things. They learn that other people get to decide for them what they should do. Doing these things does not come from the heart. This is one way that a child learns to disconnect from their inner guidance. When I ask my children to do something, they can say no, and I am okay with that. I want them to recognize when something doesn't feel good to them. I don't want them to think, “well, gee, I guess I should do that because the other person thinks I should,” and then do it out of guilt.

Parenting this way does not make children selfish. They learn empathy by watching others be empathic, but most importantly, they learn empathy when adults treat them with respect and empathy. When someone treats me with kindness, I learn to be kind. It is the same with kids. If someone is constantly forcing them to do things against their will, they learn to be resentful, and to be anxious to get away, so that they can have freedom.

Some people might be saying things like, "but how do they learn responsibility, how do they learn that certain things need to be done, etc., etc.". Trust. Trust that our children want to be helpful; they want to be kind to people. The reason some kids don't act with kindness is because they have never been trusted to try. It is an expectation that children will not want to help, will not learn manners without being taught, etc. They have been told what to do, when to do it, and that they are not being nice if they don't do it. So, they start doing things just to make others happy, and overlooking their own happiness. They learn that the world is not the greatest place, and that adults can force them to do things. They grow up and expect to do the same things with their kids. Until the cycle is broken. I want to scream it from mountain tops-there is a more gentle, more rewarding, more connecting, healthier way to be with children! So, I continue to write and hope and be an advocate.

As always, I believe that world peace begins with the treatment of our children. When children get a healthy, respectful start, they will treat others in the same healthy, respectful way.

I write about my experiences with unschooling, personal growth, mindful parenting, meditation, my journey through depression and more on my website www.benurtured.com. I hope you will visit me.

http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/8826/unschooling_teaches_kids_how_to_give_from_the_heart

Peaceful relationships with teenagers

As my children get older, I find myself wondering what their teen years will be like, in terms of our relationship. They are 12 now, so one more year until they are official teenagers. We have attended 3 unschooling conferences in the past 3 years, and I love observing the teenagers while we are there. I also love hearing about the relationships that my unschooling friends have with their teenagers. It is amazing to me to see the trust and the honesty that is present in their relationships. Before finding the unschooling path, I didn’t think this was possible! Once again, I am thrust into shifting my perspective on parenting, while learning to "grow" with the flow.

Since I was raised in a traditional way, I only had one data point to go on. I always assumed that once a person hits the teenage years, the rebellion kicks in, and it is time to have many disagreements and issues in the parent child relationship. Many parents think that they are not supposed to trust their teenagers. When teenagers are not trusted, their behavior may change because they can no longer trust that they are being honored for who they really are. Not being trusted may bring about unwanted behavior. I know that was the result in my teenage years.

After seeing the teens at the conferences, and talking to parents with teens that are unschooled, I am so happy to know that it is possible to have a relationship with teenagers that does not include the typical rebellion and the adversarial relations. How can this be? Well, the more I think about it, the more it makes perfect sense. When children are treated with respect, trust, and dignity they don't have anything to rebel against! When the parent-child relationship is built on trust, honesty and autonomy, what could there be to fight about?

I don't like the negativity that is placed upon teenagers. I hear comments such as this, "Oh, you better enjoy them now, because in a few years it will not be this easy." Or something like this, "Oh, you know how teenagers are, get used to it. They never know what they want, except they want to make your life miserable." There was a time when these comments scared me, and made me feel sad. I don't feel that way anymore. I am looking forward to my kids becoming teenagers. I look forward to them coming into their own. I look forward to them discovering more and more about themselves.

I feel sad when I see teenagers that are not being heard, or that are not taken seriously. It saddens me to think that they are labeled as lazy, or that they are judged for wearing strange clothes or having weird hairdos. My hope is that we will start honoring teenagers for who they are, and allowing their voices to be heard and taken seriously. It is a gift to them and to the world if they can be treated with dignity and respect. They are already out in the real world, so let's mentor them and talk to them as we would talk to other people that we respect. Let's show them that the world is a good place, and that they can trust that there are adults that will respect and honor them for who they are.

Mindful and respectful parenting starting from birth can pave the road for a more peaceful relationship when the teen years hit. The good news is, respectful parenting can start no matter how old your children are. Trust can be rebuilt, and peace can be an everyday occurrence in a house with teenagers. Having teenagers does not have to be a stressful time. On the contrary, it may be the beginning of one of the most rewarding, loving, honest relationships you will ever have! Teenagers have a lot of wisdom, and they have a lot to say, IF they are respected and honored for who they are.

Come and visit me on my website for more on personal growth, mindful parenting and living, and much more at www.benurtured.com.

http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/8939/peaceful_relationships_with_teenagers

What life would look like in an emotionally conscious world

I dream about what the ultimate life experience would be if we lived in a world where every human being was emotionally conscious. I do believe that this shift in consciousness is happening right now, so hopefully my vision will come true. I thought I would share my vision here because I believe that writing and talking about visions gives them a higher probability of coming true. The whole vision may be a long way off yet, but that's okay, I will still keep talking about my dream.

Most of what I mention here is already happening within many families. However, I want to keep putting the ideas out there, in hopes that others will feel good about these ideas, and will join in. My dream actually starts before a child is born, but I will shorten that part and just say that I envision close knit sustainable communities where mothers can birth their babies at home with the help of their midwives, who are also neighbors. Then, fast forward to after a baby is born. The baby will be carried around in a loved one’s arms in a sling or carrier as much as the baby wants to be. The baby will sleep with her parents until she no longer wants to. Most baby "equipment" that exists today will no longer be sold. We will not need it because parents will not want to be separated from their babies. Babies will nurse as often and for as many months/years as they need. The support system within the community will be incredibly strong, with members helping each other raise their children. Mothers will have deep connections with each other, which will help them to feel honored and respected.

Schools will no longer exist in the traditional sense. There will be meeting places for children to go if they choose to, but there is no pre-packaged agenda or curriculum, and no coercion to conform. There will be mentors or facilitators there for the child's choosing. If they want to play all day, they can do so. Importance will be placed on helping the children to find and follow their passions. All children will be respected and treated with dignity. They are listened to, and taken seriously. They have autonomy. They learn that they are valuable members of society and that they have every right to be exactly who they are without someone trying to change them.

Parents will be partners to their children. Parents will be able to act instinctually because they are emotionally healthy. They will not try to control their children. Children will be encouraged to be who they are. They will be shown that they have something special about them, and that the world is a better place because they are here. Children will retain their true essence because they are honored for who they are. Children retain the knowledge that we are all here to experience this journey together, and that because of this, every living thing deserves respect. They will not need to be taught this, because it is modeled for them by the adults that they share their lives with.

Adults will be healed of their own troubled pasts, which enables them to be emotionally healthy for their children. When a child becomes a teenager, they will be treated like young adults, not older children. They will not have to “earn” trust, because they have only known trust their whole lives. It will not be an issue. Again, healthy behavior is modeled. All along, everyone has autonomy, so there is no need to have to coerce people into doing things that they do not wish to do. Everyone learns that what they do affects everyone else, and that we are all connected. Therefore, since children are brought up in an emotionally healthy atmosphere, it comes naturally to them to want to help other people, and to be a contributing member of a healthy community. In my utopian world, peace is realized by all. All humans honor, love, and respect each other in peace. I know that some will think that I may be living in a "dreamworld", but I choose to believe that my vision will happen.

I write about my own personal healing and growth, mindful parenting, self-love, meditation and awareness, and more at www.benurtured.com.

http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/9107/what_life_would_look_like_in_an_emotionally_conscious_world

What strengths do we wish for our children to have when they are adults?

I often wonder why children get punished, chastised and corrected for behaviors that adults would get applauded, commended, and praised for. We want kids to be self-confident, independent, and empowered. However, they are scolded for arguing with an adult because it is looked upon as being disrespectful. They aren't trusted to make decisions for themselves as far as when to wake up, when to eat, when to go to sleep. They are told when and how to do all of these things, which makes them dependent, not independent. When they try to make these decisions for themselves they get grounded or have things they love taken away from them. I certainly don't think this is teaching them to become independent. It teaches them to learn to be sneakier next time they want to stay up later, or stay out later, or eat that extra dessert that they really wanted. When an adult stands up for what they believe in, they are looked upon as being strong, or intelligent, or someone who really knows who they are.

We want our kids to be able to think for themselves, but they are expected to go along with what the teacher tells them to do. Follow the assignment, even if you have an idea that you think might work better. We want them to be able to stand up for themselves, yet if they do this in school, they are labeled as the troublemaker by teachers, or worse yet, they are labeled as weird by their peers. Most kids will do anything not to call attention to themselves in school. They want to blend in, wear the same kind of clothes that the other kids do, have the same things the other kids do. It is very difficult to get them to see that they can be who they are, when all they want is to be like the other kids. What happens to their self esteem? They learn to act cool, even if they are hurting inside. Would they be rewarded in a job for being like everyone else? I doubt it. They would be more likely to be rewarded for coming up with the idea that makes the company stand out.

So, what strengths do we wish for our children? Is putting them in classrooms with same age peers everyday for at least 13 years (or more including college), the way to help them develop the strengths that we wish for them? I don't know about you, but I want my kids to be physically healthy, happy, full of love, emotionally healthy, empowered, confident and full of passion.

I know that it took me 30 some years before I started questioning everything about all of the systems that are in place in our world. Are these systems really working in the best interests of our children? I don't think so! We are trying to train our children to be a certain way - the way the "experts" deem valuable or acceptable. So what is happening to all of these kids that are following along just to fit in, terrified of being different? At the end of their school career, they are deemed "passing" or "successful". Successful at what? Successful at learning how to take a test, being able to follow the rules, or successful at being the polite, follow the directions kid? So many of the ones that go off to college go crazy, drinking and doing dangerous things, just because they finally have the freedom to decide some things for themselves. This college behavior is looked upon as normal, but is it really? Would people really need to do this if they have already been living an authentic life? Then there are the students who have been labeled AP, and who have been told how smart they are. Who are they under all of that? Who are they without the labels? What happens when they no longer have the grading system to define them? What happens when their passion is something that isn’t recognized as being something you do when you are brilliant? Will they have the courage to do it anyway?

What happens after all of those years of being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it and when it is complete. When exactly do they learn who they are, what makes them come alive, what is important to them, what their body is telling them and how to follow their own hearts? Don't we want our world to be filled with people who are passionate about what they do, passionate about life, people who are passionate about just being alive? Why make them wait 30 years before learning these things? I hope that parents will help their children feel all of these things by standing up for the rights of their children. Let’s not just go along with what we have been doing for years and years. Let’s question the system that is broken! Give the children a voice in what they need, let them know that it is their birthright to live their own life. Show them that finding out what makes them feel alive is important to you and to the world! Unschooling gives them the freedom to learn what makes them feel alive with passion.

I write about my own personal growth and healing, some about unschooling, mindful living, depression and more at www.benurtured.com. I hope you will stop by and say hello!

http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/9243/what_strengths_do_we_wish_for_our_children_to_have_when_they_are_adults

Who gets to decide what is right for you to learn?

As I witness children getting ready to go back to school this week, my mind heads down the path of questioning why we do things the way we do. The questions flood my brain. I see signs like the one below. Why is the school system in such a state that they need this "kickoff". I see children that are very sad and sometimes really angry about having to end the summer before summer is officially over. I see them angry that they have to go to school at all. They tell my kids that they are lucky they do no have to go to school. My sons are sad for the kids that don't have a choice, and wish that all kids could have a choice to do what feels right to them.

My son and I went for a walk tonight and we talked about how one of his schooled friends asked him if he had ever done a math worksheet. My son told him no, why would I need to do that? I do math in my life all the time, but I don't need to prove that, by doing a worksheet. We talked about all of the ways that he learns math concepts even though they are not called "math". We talked about how if he needs to learn something, he can find the answer when he needs it. We questioned who gets to decide exactly what a human being "needs" to learn by the time they are 18? We wondered how people can get together in a meeting to decide what is best for every student that comes to their school. How is it possible to do this if we are all individuals having different interests and different learning styles? I know that teachers and administrators do their best, but how can they really do what is best for each student? It isn't possible. Teachers have their hands tied as well, because the students must test high so that the schools get their funding. Teachers have a difficult job.

Another one of my son's schooled friends said that he was held back, so he will start the same grade again this year. We questioned how this can be determined. My son wondered what message his friend got when his classmates moved on, but he didn't. Who decides he didn't learn the "right" things? Why do they get to decide for him? What if for every one answer he got wrong, there were hundreds of others that he knew? Unfortunately for him, those weren't the answers that he was "supposed" to know? Maybe his passions and interests are in something his school doesn't offer, or are seen as unimportant. Does this mean he is "slow" or that he isn't "smart", just because he is more interested in other things? Maybe he is daydreaming about his passions while he "should" be learning some other subject. Why is this wrong?

We questioned why each person can't follow their passions, and learn everything they need to know about that passion. Why can't a person who learns better while moving around do just that? Why would we want them to conform to the way "everyone" else is learning? Why would we label them with a learning disability or label them as hyperactive just because their bodies are telling them that they need to move? What is the impact on a child's self esteem when they are coerced into being something they're not? Does it make them successful if they learn how to take a test in order to get a "good grade"? Or, does it make them lose a part of their aliveness because they had to conform to fit someone else's idea of what it looks like to be a good student. Is it worth it to do this to our children?

I keep telling my sons that change is coming. There are so many positive changes happening in the world right now that I believe that our school situations must change as well. I want kids like my son's friend, who got held back, to be celebrated for who he is and how he learns. I don't want him to have the feeling that he is dumb because he got held back a grade. I want him to know that he is honored for who he is. I want him to know that the way he needs to learn is perfect. I want him to know there is nothing wrong with him, that everything is as it should be.

I feel sad for the kids who are feeling apprehensive, angry, and a bit helpless about going back to school. It didn't take much for me to conjure up the feeling of having to go back after summer break. I could see myself lying in bed, not being able to fall asleep, worried about the next day. I quickly came back to the moment when my son saw a shooting star, and got very excited. That led us into talking all about planets, and about what a shooting star is, and what a comet is. I didn't have all of the answers, but I knew we could go home to look them up. Living and learning from the real world makes me smile. I will continue to question everything, and I hope that my kids will as well.

If you want to read some good books about school and children's learning, I recommend any of John Holt's books, especially How Children Learn , How Children Fail, and Learning All The Time. Also, John Taylor Gatto's (who was an award winning teacher) book called Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling.

I write about personal growth and healing, meditation, mindful living, and unschooling at my website www.benurtured.com.

http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/9363/who_gets_to_decide_what_is_right_for_you_to_learn

Children did not come here for us to teach them, they are here to teach us!

I love the quote,"Children are messengers to us from a world we once deeply knew but we have long since forgotten," by Alice Miller. I know for a fact that I have learned more from my children than they have learned from me. I call them my gurus! I am amazed, sometimes on a daily basis, the things I learn from my kids. I still believe 100% that children are here to teach us, not the other way around. We have been conditioned to believe that we have to teach them, but I know that is just not true.

Children can help us to learn about ourselves and about life, if we choose to listen. When we are able to stay out of the mind set of having to have power over children, we can learn and grow. When we open ourselves up to their unconditional acceptance and love, we will grow leaps and bounds. When trust is present in the relationship as our children grow, the relationship stays authentic, and we learn from each other. If trust is present, children will keep sharing their views and observations and insight with us. If the trust is broken, children learn to hide who they really are, and the authentic relationship is no longer.

My children have taught me to love myself more. They have taught me to trust my instincts. They have taught me to forgive. They have taught me not to judge others by the way they look or even how they act. They have taught me to take more risks. They have taught me to have compassion for myself and others. They have taught me that our world is not such a bad place after all. They see things that I never would have seen had I stayed in my bubble of thinking that I am supposed to be showing them the way things work.

I know that my children came to me because I needed them. I needed them to show me ways that I can contribute to the world to make it a better place for everyone. When we choose to connect on a deep level with our children, we grow in ways that we never could have imagined. When we keep our hearts open to that bond of love with our child, we are capable of healing in ways that we didn't even know we needed to. When we choose authenticity over, "what people may think", we deepen the bond of trust with our children.

I often wonder if children are here to wake us up from this illusion that we live in. The illusion that makes us feel separate from others. The illusion that we are not all connected. When I am able to put my fear aside, I see with great clarity that my children are here to make my journey more joyful. Until children get socialized and conditioned, they are silly on an hourly basis, giggling and laughing their way through the day. Wouldn't it be wonderful to have this much joy in your life? Of course there are responsibilities, etc., as we become adults, but imagine having this trait while dealing with issues and problems in your life. Coming from a place of joy makes things more bearable.

When the trust gets broken by way of force and coercion, our gurus may disappear. When they are forced to do things that go against what their inner voice is telling them is best, they start to distrust their own inner voice. They start to distrust the voice within them in order to "function" in our society.

And at some point, they turn into adults that need to find that inner voice again. And, the circle begins again. Unless, we choose a different route. If we choose to keep the channel open, and we choose to listen and learn from our children in a respectful and authentic way, will have an incredible journey with our gurus.

Visit me on my web site, www.benurtured.com. I write about my healing journey through depression, learning self love, mindful living, unschooling, meditation, and other ways of healing.

http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/10197/children_did_not_come_here_for_us_to_teach_them_they_are_here_to_teach_us

Your personal parenting expert is within you

"Every stage in a child's life is there for a purpose. If we can respect and respond to her needs fully during each stage of her life, she can be done with that stage and move on." —Naomi Aldort

There is a certain show with a certain nanny who is British (or is she?) that makes me very angry to even think about. I have only watched it a few times. I always have to turn it off because I end up yelling at the television! She is so far off base when it comes to having a loving, authentic relationship with your child. I feel sad that some parents buy into her advice. I have such empathy for the children. I also have empathy for the parents because they must be so disconnected from themselves that they are desperate enough to reach out to a woman who doesn’t even have children herself. She has made claims that she has many years of child care experience. It frightens me to think she is deemed an “expert”.

There are so many parenting books out there by “experts”. My belief is all parents are experts, but only if they are tuned in to their own truth. It is sad to me that parents have been told for years to listen to experts outside themselves. How can somebody else know what is best for *my* child? The fact is, so many parents do not trust themselves to know what is best for their own children. I believe all parents want what is best for their children, and many now believe that listening to the so-called “experts” means they are following the rules of being a good parent. I believe it is similar to school experiences. We are trained to go along with what we are told to do; we are made to feel inadequate if we don’t follow the herd. Parents that do not follow the “rules” may get funny looks from other parents, and will most definitely get the advice to read a certain book that will help, or a suggestion on what is the best way to handle the situation.

For those of us who were wounded in childhood, it is sometimes difficult to trust ourselves as being the expert on what is best for our children and our families. It can feel scary to follow your heart when it may be different than what others around you are doing with their own children. It may feel scary to stand out from what is deemed “normal parenting”. Using our own childhood wounds as a starting point to find empowerment may not always feel easy. It is normal to question ourselves as parents all along the journey. However, once I got a taste of what it feels like to trust myself enough to know how to trust my kids, I was on the path to listening to the parenting expert within me. The main reason that many parents are afraid to listen to their inner parenting guide is because they have disconnected from their own inner child. I know my inner child was completely blocked out of my life until I gave birth to my children.

Something stirred deep within me after they were born. I feel grateful that I decided to breastfeed them because I think that connection helped my inner child speak up to say, “hey, there is something so much deeper here than just feeding your babies.” Connecting with them on such a deep level made me question all of the typical parenting advice and information. As they grew, I grew too. I started wondering why so many parenting “experts” were telling me things that didn’t go along with what my inner guidance system was telling me. I questioned why I should go along with something that did not feel right to me instinctually. I wondered why so many parents had trouble with their child not sleeping, why tantrums were so common, why children were “out of control”, if these “experts” were so right. Why were there still so many parenting “problems”? The answer is because parents were listening to the wrong “expert”.

Soon I found people that told me to listen to my heart, listen to my child, and trust the process; trust my child to teach me what he needs. This was all the validation I needed! Finally I found information that matched up with what my heart was telling me. From that point on, the only “experts” I needed was my own inner parent, and of course, my children. I want to encourage all parents to question everything they have been taught about how to parent their children. Listen to your heart, listen to your child. Stay connected to your inner guide so that you can stay connected to your children. We have all of the parenting information we need right inside of us. We may need some validation every once in awhile, but if we stay present with our ourselves, we can be with our children in the way that they expect us to be. Trusting our children never ends. But, don’t take my advice, I’m no expert, except with myself and my kids.

I write about personal growth and healing here, www.benurtured.com/. I hope you will stop by to visit. If you would like to read more about authentic parenting, you can start here www.naturalchild.org or www.naomialdort.com/.

http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/11875/your_personal_parenting_expert_is_within_you

Questioning the stories in our heads so that we can have authentic relationships with our kids

If I am not being present with my kids, I respond to them with a comment that has been preprogrammed in me. I respond without really thinking. I always know when I do this because they give me a funny look, or they call me on the carpet. This jerks me back into the present moment. I often wonder exactly what our world would look like if we all responded to each other without the commentary going on inside our heads. What would our world look like if we respond to each other from the heart? How many of us really tell others what we want to tell them? How many times have you felt really connected to someone you just met, but were too scared to let them know because they might think you are strange? I know I have done that. We have been so conditioned to avoid responding from our inner voice. When adults aren’t not in touch with their inner voice, or in touch with what their heart is telling them, their kids will be taught the same lesson. “Look outside yourself for your answers.” The answers will never be found there.

As parents, we are given so much information on the “right” way to parent our children. Depending on the book you read, you may get thousands of techniques and ideas on “the best way” to raise children. I read many books when my children were little, and I was very grateful for those books. The books started me down the path to treating my children with kindness, compassion, and respect. However, there was a point when I had to stop reading the books because I was on information overload! All of this information, coupled with my already pre-programmed information didn’t leave me any room to listen to my heart. I could read all of the books in the world, and none of them would help me be an authentic, respectful parent if I wasn’t responding from my heart. I needed to learn to question the stories, listen to my own heart, and respond to my children from that authentic place.

I think so many parents are afraid of not doing the “right thing” with their children that they get caught up in how to respond to them. This makes it difficult to respond to children from the heart. We can’t respond to our children from an authentic place if we have stories running through our minds. For instance, a child is asking for a cookie before dinner, and our story tells us, “no, that will spoil his dinner”, or “no, she will think she can have a cookie every night if I give into her this time,” or “I need to stand firm and tell him no.” Once we start listening to all of this added commentary, our connection is broken. We are not seeing the child in front of us, we are in the story of all of the reasons our child shouldn’t have a cookie before dinner.

I started seeing a pattern in my parenting when my kids were younger and I was just starting down this path. I noticed that whenever the story going through my mind started with a “he shouldn’t….do this…or have that…or want that,” our connection was broken, and the resulting exchange was always a negative one. I learned to question my stories. When I really paid attention to those stories, they would often make me laugh! They were so ridiculous! Some of the things “he shouldn’t do”, made no sense at all. These stories were conditioned beliefs that I was convinced were true without a doubt. This was the way things were “supposed to be” with parenting. I thought I should have all the knowledge and answers, and the kids should believe and go along with what I said because I was the parent. Boy was I in for an absolutely joyful awakening! I was awakened to the fact that having an incredible relationship with my kids was not only possible, it was what my kids expected. They wanted me to be real with them. Kids don’t want to be in a relationship with someone that is going to tell them what to do, what is good for them, etc. They want parents who are honest, be a partner to them, tell them real answers to their questions, and treat them like real people. Once I started working on myself and my conditioned beliefs, my parenting “job” became a million times easier.

Kids respond authentically when they are treated authentically. They respond from the heart unless they are taught not to trust or listen to their heart. Kids respond with respect when they are treated with respect. Responding from the heart did not happen overnight for me. In fact, it is still a practice for me. I had so many conditioned thoughts and beliefs! It amazes me what we go along with. Many people go along doing the same thing that was done to them, without questioning “why” we are responding in certain ways. Why can’t my son have a cookie before dinner if he wants one? I would certainly eat one if I wanted one. How do I know for sure that it will spoil his dinner? And, so what if it does? He can eat later when he is hungry. Why not allow him to listen to his own body cues?

It is not always easy to go against what our familiar stories are telling us. I know that for sure! It really is an awareness practice. It is learning to awaken your own inner voice, your own heart. When my kids were younger I had to question myself many times a day. I learned so much about myself! It felt so freeing to question all of those beliefs I thought were true. Twelve years later, I am still questioning everything. My world looks like a whole new place now! When I believed my stories, I was closed off to other possibilities. Once I learned to question everything, a new world opened to me. Thanks to my kids, a part of myself that had been buried is now alive and well! My heart is open to all sorts of possibilities now. I eat cookies anytime I want to, and I might even eat more than one right before dinner!

I have a website at www.benurtured.com. I write mostly about personal growth and healing from depression with self-love, but I also write about mindful living, meditation, unschooling, homeopathy, and peaceful living with kids. Hope you will visit me!

http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/11670/questioning_the_stories_in_our_heads_so_that_we_can_have_authentic_relationships_with_our_kids

Unschooling is an extension of what children are born knowing

Unschooling is an extension of what children were born knowing. I define unschooling as being a partner to my children, helping them follow their passions while being very present with them. Our day to day life really has no glimmers of “school” in it, unless my kids ask specifically for something schooly. School is not a part of our lives. I don’t look at what school is doing in order to determine what we should be doing. We live our lives in joy and partnership, following the passions that naturally arise. My children live a life connected to the inner joy they were born with. I don’t mean that I am a perfect parent and have made no mistakes! We all do, and I am sure I will make more.

All of us are born with inner joy, and a connection to that inner joy. Children remember this connection until they learn to stop trusting it. Many children stop listening to the connection when they start school. We as parents are led to believe that our children need to learn about separation, they need to find out that the real world is tough sometimes. If I had a dime for every time I hear the phrase, “They may as well learn it now, life is not always easy and fun, it is hard and you have to do things you don’t want to do”, I would be really rich! By keeping my kids out of the school system, I am hoping to keep this message out of their lives as well. I want them to learn that things do happen in our lives that make us sad, or angry, or disappointed, sure, but having the outlook that life is bad and you have to do things you don’t want to do is not the same thing.

By keeping my kids out of the school system, I am hoping they learn to decipher between what is true and what is a made up story. I want them to learn that being human is a joyful, wonderful experience, and they can keep their lives joyful and happy for as long as they want to. I want them to learn that some people will tell them life is hard and you have to do stuff you hate, but this is only true if my kids decide to buy into that and make it true in their own lives. If kids don’t keep hearing these messages, maybe they can keep their joyful connection, and be able to face conflict more openly and from a more loving place. If kids keep their joyful connection, they don’t know another way, unless they are taught another way. When they are put into school, they learn to conform to what others expect of them. They learn that in order to fit into school, they must learn how to be the way someone else decides for them. Most of the time, this is different from who they are at their core. I am sure there are schools that help preserve this in kids, but I don’t know of too many.

I completely understand the fact that some parents are not in a position to just pull their kids out of school. I know there is a lot more to it. I also know there are many wonderful teachers out there! However, we can begin by completely starting over with the definition of school. School should not be a place where kids are forced to go against their will. A gathering place for all ages who want to be there would be a good start. Teachers would be mentors who partner with kids to help them find the information they need. Mentors would be there for the children, not to tell the children what they have to learn and do. Tests would not be needed. If the children are asking to learn about something, they will retain it, because it was their choice to learn it. It takes the excitement and the passion away from the process when someone is tested, or judged on their learning.

I do not keep my kids out of school because of my own experience or my husband’s experience with school. However, I have to be honest and say that I really didn’t like school much. I thought it was boring, and I was afraid to be myself. I became a really good actor so that I would fit in, and I became skilled at taking tests and doing what I had to do in order to move on. My husband and I keep our kids out because we don’t want them to lose the connection they have with their inner self. I want them to experience life the way they thought they would experience it when they came into this world. I don’t want them to have to conform to our society’s definition of who they should be. I want them to check in with themselves first before checking in with anybody else. Most importantly, I want them to have the freedom to follow what their inner voice tells them. I don’t want them to have to put their own inner voice on hold in order to fulfill someone else’s vision for them. Unschooling and being partners with my kids allows us to connect on a deeper level with ourselves, and best of all, with each other.

I have a website at www.benurtured.com. I write mostly about personal growth and healing from depression with self-love, but I also write about mindful living, meditation, unschooling, homeopathy, and peaceful living with kids. Hope you will visit me!

http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/10472/unschooling_is_an_extension_of_what_children_are_born_knowing